Dragon Review - Long

It's time to review another dragon.

Possibly the BEST dragon.

That's a strong statement right out of the gate, yeah? But check it out: the Chinese dragon, or Long. Much like Ryu and Yong, the Long are scaled serpents with four legs, horns, and beards. They also symbolize luck, power and strength.

They're also OLD. Like, really old. Long are a huge deal in Chinese culture, showing up on all sorts of decoration going back as far as 4700 BC. Various imperial dynasties used it as their personal symbol, with display of the five-clawed Long being reserved for the emperor himself.

As long (hah) as we're on the basics, though, Long were also crazy magically powerful. They're known for not just having an affinity for water, but being able to control rain, typhoons, and floods. In art they're usually depicted holding a flaming pearl, called the Baozhu, one of the Eight Precious Treasures of Chinese art. It grants wishes. Dragon Ball Z apparently got this part correct. Also, they don't usually have wings, but can fly.

Now, I'm talking about generalities here. There's a whole slew of Long variants. Also, they're much like the Japanese ryu in that a lot of them are gods, or god-adjacent. Still, a couple of them stand out. Four of the most important are the Dragon Kings of the Sea. There were four of these guys, who each lived in and oversaw the seas of the four cardinal directions. Being kings AND gods, they had images to uphold. You don't wear those titles and go hang your hat in a pond, right? So the four dragon kings had massive, intricate crystal palaces they chilled in, along with fabulous treasures and whole armies of retainers.

As long (hah) as we're on the basics, though, Long were also crazy magically powerful. They're known for not just having an affinity for water, but being able to control rain, typhoons, and floods. In art they're usually depicted holding a flaming pearl, called the Baozhu, one of the Eight Precious Treasures of Chinese art. It grants wishes. Dragon Ball Z apparently got this part correct. Also, they don't usually have wings, but can fly. Now, I'm talking about generalities here. There's a whole slew of Long variants. Also, they're much like the Japanese ryu in that a lot of them are gods, or god-adjacent. Still, a couple of them stand out. Four of the most important are the Dragon Kings of the Sea. There were four of these guys, who each lived in and oversaw the seas of the four cardinal directions. Being kings AND gods, they had images to uphold. You don't tack those titles on and live in a ditch, right? So the four dragon kings had massive, intricate crystal palaces they chilled in, along with fabulous treasures and whole armies of retainers.

There aren't a ton of legends about the Dragon Kings themselves, because where do you go when you've already got the titles and the bling, right?

You go down, that's what. See, everything was fine for Ao Guang, the Dragon King of the East Sea. Until one day who happened to arrive but an extremely wet monkey by the name of Sun Wukong. Yes, THAT Sun Wukong. For those not in the know, Sun was like Norse God Loki and the Kool-Aid Man mashed into one person, then dosed with a healthy serving of pixie sticks AND cocaine. He was trouble, was what I'm saying.

Now, Sun Wukong had heard about the fabulous treasures of the Dragon Kings. Ao Guang thought to stop the strange simian, who had begun to wreck Ao Guang's armories in his search for a weapon of sufficient potency. He paused though, as his wife suggested he try the "brains over brawns" route in getting rid of Sun Wukong. Ao Guang went along and they offered up a staff that stood in the palace, the RUYI JINGU BANG. Which wasn't a staff so much as an insanely tall and heavy pillar that the Dragon King used to hold down the tides and keep them in order.

Unfortunately, Sun Wukong was only just getting started. He took up the staff, magically mastered it, and shrunk it down to size--all four tons of it. Ao Guang decided to use the OTHER brains over brawn, and recognizing skill (or at least serious trouble), congratulated Sun Wukong on his new weapon. And asked him to leave. Which Sun Wukong did, after extorting a whole panoply of loot out of the Dragon King.

So, where are we? Awesome design, huge cultural impact and influence, tons of magical power up to and including deity-hood. I'm a little disappointed, though. Now that I really look at it, there aren't a ton of specific really clear legends about Long-as-dragons. They're more of a background dragon, for the most part, unless they're also straight-up gods like Ao Guang. THEN they end up in stories and legends. Still, that does count. It's slightly less than my initial bold statement, but I think this dragon is worth a solid A-.

River by Sandara.

Dragon Review - Wawel Dragon

We're taking a quick jaunt back to Europe this time. Poland, to be precise, where we can listen to the tale of the Wawel Dragon. Now Wawel Hill in Poland is located in Krakow, which at one point was the capital of Poland. People have been there forever, though, and in the late 13th century AD the city's founder, King Krakus, built a castle.

Promptly, a dragon appeared from a cave in Wawel hill below the castle. While there are a number of differing versions of this tale, none of them really look too closely at the appearance of our dragon. I'm just gonna assume it was a mash-up of terrible 80's monster movie Leviathan and that whole affair with the Dwarves of Moria: someone dug too greedily, dig too deeply, etc.

Woodcuts, sculpture, and painting seem to agree that the dragon was a western type; a scaly, reptilian body, sinuous neck, lots of fangs, fiery breath. It may or may not have had more than four legs. It didn't seem to have wings and couldn't fly. So, classic western dragon.

After an appearance that I can only imagine bore passing resemblance to the Kool-Aid Man, The Wawel Dragon immediately set about terrorizing the countryside. Nice! It destroyed homes, devoured livestock, killed peasants, and especially delighted in devouring young maidens. Numerous great warriors tried to take it on, and THE WAWEL DRAGON SHOWED THEM ALL.

With the king getting desperate, he put out a call for ANYONE who could stop this monster. Presumeably, the Wawel dragon laughed, flipped him the bird, and destroyed someone's house. But a young cobbler's apprentice named Skuba accepted the challenge. Rather than pick up a sword, he grabbed a sheep and stuffed it with sulfur. Scholars are silent on what the sheep thought about this. Leaving it outside the dragon's cave, Skuba hid, which showed admittedly more perspicacity than the idiots who had previously tried to slay the dragon.

The Wawel Dragon found the sheep and didn't spend two seconds thinking about devouring it. Huge mistake. The sulfur combined with its internal fires to brew up something awful in its guts. The Wawel Dragon then decided to take up the Gallon Challenge and raced to the Vistula River. It drank to put out the fire, which didn't work, so it kept drinking and drinking... and promptly died. Skuba was hailed as a hero, married the king's daughter, and everyone paused to somberly reflect on the drawbacks of viral internet challenges.

Now, the Wawel Dragon is a pretty cool dragon, with a lot of classic tropes. Wrecking the countryside, fire-breathing, general malevolence, and vanquishing by a hero who wins the hand of a princess. There's no treasure and it can't fly. BUT, the twist of the dragon slayer being a clever cobbler is nicely appreciated. I give the Wawel Dragon a solid "B."

I couldn't find any painting that wasn't an ancient woodcut, so here's a picture of the statue of the Wawel dragon, from Bronisław Chromy, 1969. Photograph by Wikipedia user Eirne, 2006

Dragon Review - Ryu

And now, coming at us from land of the rising sun is the ryu, or Japanese dragon (Nihon no ryu, to be specific).

Much like the Korean yong, ryu is a large, serpentine dragon with four feet and no wings. They are heavily tied to water, be it oceans, rivers, and storms. They also tend to chill near temples, since they're quite often related to divinity. A temple with water around it? That's gonna be crazy infested with ryu, you just know.

Now, I'll probably do a post discussing larger mytho-historical influence of varying cultures upon one another, especially vis-a-vis, the dragon. But for now let's just say there's a lot going on with the ryu, including Buddhism, Shinto, Indian, and Chinese influence. Japan loves its mythology, so there's a lot of tales going on with general talk of ryu.

Remember our earlier topic of review, the terminally sauced Yamata No Orochi? Dude was a ryu eight times over.

Or how about Ryujin? A shinto sea-god, he was also a ryu who lived in the ocean in a palace made from red and white coral. This dragon also did the treasure thing, possessing a collection of magical jewels he used to control the tide. Jellyfish, turtles, and fish were all his servants. There may or may not have been singing involved—scholars differ on this point. Ryujin was also an ancestor of the first emperor of Japan, Emperor Jimmu.

So, gods and monsters, right? Ryu have a number of origins. But I bet you didn't know they were also inspired by The Incredible Hulk!

Let's delve into Japanese folklore, where we find the tale of Kiyohime, a slighted woman who BECAME a dragon. The daughter of a wealthy landlord, Kiyohime's family provided lodging for priests travelling to a famous shrine. Now, things in the household went normally, I suppose, until one day when a handsome young man appeared. His name was Anchin, and he was another priest travelling to the shrine. Kiyohime fell absolutely head over heels for him. Anchin returned her affection and they had some good times! Thennn Anchin remembered he was supposed to be a priest. On a holy pilgrimage. Whoops.

Anchin promptly packed up and did a runner in the night. Now, was Kiyohime the kind of girl to pine away mournfully by the window, maybe while it rained and a bird sang sadly outside? Hell no! She went after Anchin, absolutely furious. They met at the edge of the river Hidaka, where Anchin promptly told a boatman to help him cross but not to help her out. Ouch. The boatman presumably shook his head as he did what was asked. Anchin started to get away. Or did he? Kiyohime jumped into the river and started swimming. Now, if this were some ghost story she would have drowned and become a restless spirit or something that kills you after 7 days of watching a VHS video, I don't know.

But it isn't. Kiyohime was so angry that she turned into a gigantic ryu via the pure power of RAGE in order to continue her pursuit. Scholars are silent on the status of Anchin's undergarments at this event, but he did manage to reach the shore and the temple he'd taken so many detours along the way to reach. There he called for help (I'm going to assume it was more of a shrieking, terrified cry) and the local priests hid him in the temple bell.

Mission accomplished, right? Haha, NO. Kiyohime still wasn't going to let this go. She slithered up onto land, into the temple, and tracked Anchin by his scent (again, undergarments?). She banged the bell repeatedly, coiled around it, and breathed fire on it so hot that it melted, nicely resolving the problem of Anchin.

Now, this time we took a look at a category of dragon as much as any individual. That makes it kind of hard to examine specifics. BUT! Never let it said I fail to be opinionated. Like Chinese and Korean dragons, ryu's design is awesome, varying a bit depending on individual versions like Orochi or Kiyohime. There's a multitude of tales and examples, with all sorts of magical abilities popping up. Ryu gets a solid "A+."

Dragon by Katsushika Hokusai, Undated (1760 - 1849)

Dragon Review - Zmey Gorynych

We're now halfway between East and West, in the lands of Slavic folklore. Which can be pretty great stuff, so it's no surprise that they've also got themselves some cool dragons. Specifically, "Zmei."

Now, Zmei folklore is all over the place. But it generally breaks down into a couple of categories. Much like most of our other dragons so far, they tend to be related to water, either able to control it (or the weather), or they just like setting up shop in it. No judgement here--I wouldn't mind an indoor heated pool myself. Second, they tend to arise from snakes that have been around long enough. Now, this isn't your "stick around a few millennia" like with the Yong. Forty years is all it seems to take. So a Slavic snake can expect to reach dragondom before it can get a senior citizen discount at the local diner. Additionally, both malevolent and benevolent versions of Zmei can be found, though this largely seems to depend on where your dragon hails from.

Physically, they're pretty western. Snakey body, four legs, bat wings. Some of them have multiple heads, and a decent number seem to have multi-classed into Wizard for magical powers like regrowing severed heads or turning into a person so that they can riding a horse. The former ability seems fairly useful. The latter... less so.

One of the more famous of this ilk is Zmei Gorynych, coming at us by way of the folk hero Dobrynya Nikitich. Now, Dobrynya sets forth from home one day with explicit instructions from his mother: Avoid the Saracen mountains (okay), don't rescue Russian captives (???), don't bathe in a river (uh-huh), and don't trample baby dragons. This is a sincerely weird mix of instructions, but Dobrynyna gets one up on old "take this cow to the market" Jack (of giant beanstalk fame), and sets out to disobey as hard as he possibly can.

So Dobrynyna sets off to take a bath in said river, and while doing so runs into the three-headed Zmei Gorynych! Our Zmei is initially kind of a wuss, though, even though she can breathe fire, has three-heads, etc. An unarmed Dobrynyna ('cuz of the bathing) manages to desperately defend himself, and Gorynych shows her belly. The two agree to a truce and to cease all aggression. Zmei Gorynych consoles herself on the loss by immediately flying to Kiev and capturing a princess. Like you do.

Well, that is a Russian captive, so Dobrynya races to Kiev to show his mother that she isn't the boss of him. The local prince is happy to see our folk hero and commands the princess' rescue on pain of death. Now Dobrynya is feeling a bit sheepish, since he finally made an Intelligence Check and realized that Gorynych is a giant three-headed goddamned dragon. And he's, y'know, just some kid.

Zmei Gorynych returns to her lair in the Saracen Mountains (you can see where this is going), while Dobrynya returns to his mother. His mother, presumably heaving a great sigh, arms him with magic loot. Dobrynya fails to ask his mom any of the really pertinent questions about her role in this whole affair and races off to Gorynych's lair. After reaching it, he promptly uses his horse to trample some dragon pups. Because you're not the boss of me, mom. Zmei Gorynych hears this and is pissed. She roars out and rolls initiative. Unlike the earlier river encounter, Gorynych has the home-ground advantage. However, Dobrynya's mom is apparently a purveyor of both prophecy and some seriously righteous magical firepower. They fight for three days. Which is when the folk hero wins, right? Nah. Dobrynyna gets tired and turns to go home.

But pretty much everyone is watching by this point. A voice from heaven calls out, telling Dobrynya to turn his ass around and get back in the fight. He does, and after another three hours finally slays Gorynych. The princess is rescued, but explicitly does not marry Dobrynya. I'd like to think that this is because she was her own person and no one's prize, but I'm more inclined to believe that even in spite of medieval cultural norms, everyone involved afterwards took a hard look at Dobrynya Nikitich and realized what a massive tool he was.

Now Zmei have a ton of tales about them, so I'm just gonna focus on Zmei Gorynych. Three-headed fire-breathing flying snake-dragon? Awesome. Malevolent and petty? Sweet. Kind of a badass, though that mishap at the river pulls her down a little. All in all, this dragon earns an A-. Solid.

Dobrynya Nikitich and dragon Zmei Gorynych, Victor Vasnetsov, 1913-1918

Dragon Review - Yong

Most of the dragons we've seen up until now have pretty clear origins in Europe and the classical West. Dragons, though, can be found the world over. Do they think they will escape my notice? Avoid, perhaps, my eagle eye and inexorable criticism? I think not.

The Korean dragon, or Yong, shares a lot with its Eastern cousins in China and Japan. Unlike Fafnir, Hydra, or Jormungandr, they're benevolent creatures, associated with water and rain-making. Serpentine, they possess four legs, a reptilian head, horns, and a beard. They also had eighty-one scales. Like, exactly. Each Yong had no more and no less! Apparently this is because the number nine is auspicious in Korea. And nine multiplied by nine is eighty-one. Which isn't actually the number nine, but numerologists are gonna numerologize and apparently a dragon with only nine scales would just be weird.

Now, Yong are a little different from our other entries. You see, a full-on dragon is what they aspire to be. But whatever could I mean? I mean classism, is what. See, most Yong have three claws on each foot. However, exceptionally wise and (presumably) even beardier Yong have four claws, which lets them wield the Yeouiju stones, these little orbs they carry sometimes. Yeouiju stones are crazy powerful, and holding one lets the bearer wield the powers of creation, which has to be pretty sweet.

But forget your Yeouiji power fantasies for a moment. Even getting to the three-toed middle-manager level of Yonghood is a journey. See, most Yong start out as a proto-dragon called an imugi, a kind of python-esque giant serpent that lives in caves or sources of water. Accounts differ, but Imugi are either; (A) accursed and can't normally become Yong, (B) have to live for a thousand years to become a Yong, or (C) they have to catch a Yeouiju that's fallen from Heaven to become a Yong. Curse-breaking happens and sticking around a cave for a millenia would be doable (if boring). Catching a falling Yeouiju would be kind of rough, I think. They don't seem like the kind of thing that Heaven lets go very often, unless Heaven has very poor inventory control systems.

I wasn't able to find out what happens when an imugi catches a Yeouiju and gets promoted to three-clawed Yong. Without that extra claw they can't carry the Yeouiju around. Maybe Heaven holds it for them until they can grow that fourth toe?

All in all, the Yong is a pretty weird critter. And while I couldn't find any stories about full-grown Yong, their life cycle is interesting enough to earn this dragon a solid B.

Artist unknown, "Dragon Amidst Clouds," Joseon Kingdom, 19th Century CE

Dragon Review - Jörmungandr

Does a Sea Serpent count as a dragon?

Ehhhh. Ehhhhhhhhhh.

*Checks Wikipedia*

Okay. Sure. As I comb through our collective oldest mythology with the express purpose of being all judgy and stuff, it's increasingly apparent that the creatures we call "dragons" are many things, depending on the place and time. Maybe down the line we can have a discussion about that. For now, let's just move on and say that sea serpents get to be lumped in with "water dragons." After all, I'm going to start hitting up Asian dragons at some point, and they're all about that kind of thing.

For now, let's look at Jörmungandr, the Nordic World Serpent. And his appellation isn't hyperbole; he's frickin' ginormous! Jörmungandr is so big, he's able to wrap around the world and bite his tail in his mouth, via the ocean surrounding everything in Midgard.

In the beginning, Jörmungandr is one of three children of Loki and the giant Angrboða. Odin wasn't terribly happy with the prophecies surrounding these children, so Fenrir got tied up, Hel was assigned to civil service, and Jörmungandr was hucked into the ocean. Which worked out okay-ish, since Jörmungandr got the chance to grow large enough to do the whole "surrounding the world" thing.

Unfortunately for our wyrm, a truly epic rivalry was about to kick off. First, Jörmungandr gets partially yanked into the hall of the giant king Útgarða-Loki (no relation). Then it gets magically transformed into a still-ginormous cat. Which is actually fairly impressive magic. All of this is so that Útgarða-Loki can trick Thor, the god of thunder, in a bet to see how much Thor can lift. This results in one part of Jörmungandr getting hoisted, but no one asks for its thoughts on the matter.

Later on, Thor decides to go fishing with the giant Hymir. When Hymir proves stingy with the bait, Thor straight up kills one of Hymir's oxen and uses the head for the same purpose. Because anger management issues. Upon spying a tasty ox-head floating around, Jörmungandr bites down and finds himself drawn up to the surface by Thor. The two eye each other down for a bit, Jörmungandr probably recognizing Thor as the same jackass who used him as a barbell earlier. Hymir panics though and cuts the line, promptly de-escalating the situation.

Lastly Jörmungandr shows up during Ragnarok, the Twilight of the Gods. Deciding that it's time to get some cardio in, Jörmungandr tag-teams with its brother Fenrir to kick-start a mess. Jörmungandr crawls from the ocean and spews poison across half the world while its bro sets the other half on fire. They then make their way to Vigrid for the big fight between giants and Aesir. However, once Jörmungandr locks eyes on Thor, it's a one-on-one cage match, and the two ignore everyone else to settle their differences. Eventually Thor slays Jörmungandr, but gets done in posthumously by our wyrm's poison.

So, we've got an absolutely massive sea dragon, with a badass origin story and a lifelong grudge that ends in the deaths of almost everyone in the world. Awesome! Give this dragon an A, along with whatever you use to sooth getting beaten to death by a thunder god's hammer.

(Jormungandr, Milivoj Ceran 2017. www.mceran-art.com)

Dragon Review - St. George's Dragon

Well. Hey all. Time to review another dragon.

I guess.

I've got to say it: I'm disappointed. You hear about something for long enough and you eventually just kinda ASSUME that it's worthwhile. Otherwise, why would you be hearing about it? Right? Whatever. They say a burden is doubled when borne alone. So let's lighten my load, dear reader, and review St. George's dragon together.

Things are promising at first. Oh yes! We find our dragon at a place called Silene in Libya. It's taken a page from Hydra's book, living in a pond and poisoning the countryside. An old but respectable skill set! The local villagers try to placate it with two sheep a day. Magnanimously, the dragon accepts. This works for a bit, but only a bit. The dragon doesn't stay content. So the locals start offering it a man and a sheep a day. Hardcore. The dragon devours this tribute readily. Until, that is, this offering doesn't do it anymore - a true glutton is never content, after all. So now the locals have to ante up with their children and youth, chosen via lottery. Not great for these people. Pretty great for the dragon!

Finally the daughter of a local king ends up drawing the short straw, because local power structures tend to go haywire when you've got a dragon around. He tries to buy everyone off, but since they've lost their kids, menfolk, and all their sheep, the survivors aren't keen to let him off the hook. The princess gets dressed up as a "bride" and sent down to the pond to pursue a short and exciting career in the culinary arts. Everything is coming up aces for our nameless dragon!

Then it happens. Bam. The princess is just standing around when who should show up, but Greco-Roman soldier Saint George. The princess tries to send him away... but yeah. Like that's going to happen. Anyway. Our dragon picks the moment they're chatting to make its appearance, rising out of the pond. This doesn't go as planned. Saint George makes the sign of the cross and runs the dragon down with his lance on horseback, grievously wounding it. With the lance, rather than the gesture, I'd assume.

Bad enough, right? But now things get worse. The princess loans George her belt, which they tie onto the dragon like a leash. George then hauls our dragon meekly along until they reach Silene. He says he'll kill it if everyone converts to Christianity, they agree, and he lops the dragon's head off with a sword. They build a church where it died. The end.

This dragon started out strong. Gluttony! Poisonous! Princess-eating! Then it just gets run down, stabbed, and decapitated by the first punk with a sword to come along. Weak. At least Yamata no Orochi pretty had to be drugged and snuck up on. Hydra had to be fought to a standstill. St. George's dragon gets a D. And only because I'm feeling pity here.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading.

St George and the Dragon @ John Howe, 2004

Dragon Review - Yamata No Orochi

This time we take a look at Yamata no Orochi, an eastern dragon of Japanese myth and legend. Japanese dragons, or Ryu, will get a general review later on. Right now we're going to zero in on a specific specimen, who first gets written about in a text called the Kojiki, or "Records of Ancient Matters."

Now most Ryu have a strong relationship with water. Not Orochi. He preferred to DRINK, and it pretty much ended him. We're a bit fuzzy on his beginnings, but when he does show up in the story he's an enormous serpent with eight heads and eight tails, like an overachieving Hydra. Foliage covered his back (moss, mostly), and his belly was all jacked up and inflamed. Probably from crawling around like a snake but somehow screwing it up.

Anyway. Orochi has scored a pretty good gig and every year threatens a pair of minor earthbound Shinto gods until they give him a daughter to devour as a sacrifice. He's pulled this off for seven years in a row and the eighth is juuuust nigh. Arriving for his annual meal, he comes across a weird setup; eight gates in a circle with eight giant vats of super-strong liquor and no deific daughter in sight. Since there was no possible way this was a trap Yamata No Orochi decided to dive right in, drinking deep, and immediately passing out.

But unfortunately, it was all a trap. Recently exiled from heaven for temper-based shenanigans, Shinto storm god Susanoo had come across the two earthbound gods and their last daughter. Cutting a deal with them, he lays the trap, which Orochi didn't fall into so much as leap into wholeheartedly, closing all sixteen eyes and singing loudly at the top of his voice. Susanoo (presumably) shrugged, drew his sword, and cut the dragon to pieces. Weirdly, he broke his sword on something in the last tail, finding a better sword, a mirror, and a jewel. All three of which ultimately became the Imperial Regalia of Japan.

Now, Orochi gets points for design, even if he's a little too close to ol' Hydra. He eats princesses (lesser deities are close enough). And he's got hidden treasure. That's a pretty solid set of bonafides for a dragon. I'll give him a B+, especially since he's gone on to show up and influence a ton of other stories and art over the years. As an example, check out his theme soundtrack from the amazing video game Okami, where he shows up as the villain.

 Thanks for reading.

Susanoo Slaying Yamata no Orochi, 1870, Toyohara Chikanobu.

Dragon Review - Fafnir

Diverse greetings appropriate to your philosophy!

Next up in this series is Fáfnir, a legendary dragon of Germanic origin!

Hearkening back to the Volunga Saga, Fáfnir starts out as a dwarf, which is almost as cool as a dragon. Strong and fearless, he guards the blinged-out house of his father King Hreidmar. Things were Very Nordic until the gods came along, where they got both Very Nordic and Extremely Metal. After encountering an otter while travelling, the Aesir killed and skinned it, like you do. Only, it turned out that the otter was Fáfnir's enchanted brother, who along with the rest of his family was righteously ticked off.

The gods were held captive until they could pay a ransom for the dead brother, with only Loki being set free to go fulfill the deed. This was a huge mistake. Loki does so by finding some cursed gold and a cursed ring to buy the freedom of the Aesir with. Because that's how Loki rolls.

Fáfnir promptly goes nuts with greed due to the curse, kills his father, turns into a dragon, escapes into the wilderness, and breathes poison all about the land to keep people away from his gold. Now, put dragons and treasure together and you're gonna get Heroes, which is an unfortunate truth. Fáfnir was no exception. While wandering down to a stream one day, he gets ambushed by Sigurd hiding in a pit with a little bit of help from Odin. Fáfnir is mortally wounded, but ends up being decent enough to warn Sigurd that the treasure is cursed and, by the way, he's probably being manipulated by one of Fáfnir's still-living brothers.

All in all, a pretty good tale! Drama, revenge, curses, madness, and jerkwad gods responsible for the whole thing. Fáfnir was only a dragon by transformative curse. But he IS one of the classic western-style dragons, with poison breath and a treasure hoard and getting offed by a guy with a sword. He's also the influence for some pretty important dragons we'll see later. All things considered, Fáfnir meets the basics of dragondom and climbs up to a "B" on sheer cultural-historical influence.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading.

Image by Arthur Rackham, 1924.

Dragon Review - The Hydra

It's time to review dragons!

Really, for no other reason other than because they're awesome. They pop up in cultures the world over, they show up in our media, and I'm writing about one at the moment. So let's begin a sporadic newsletter miniseries where I rank 'em. Up first is the Lernean Hydra, probably one of the earliest dragons I ever read about. So, What have we got? It's poisonous, Greek, and it has a lot of heads. Exactly how many differs depending on the storyteller, but the important thing is that they grow back when you cut them off (usually in a two-for-one deal). Solid ability—especially since it gives you even more mouths to bite villagers with at once.

Which is exactly what it does until Heracles comes along. Alas, muscle-headed demigods are a rough challenge even for a multi-headed dragon. Heracles cauterizes the heads of the wyrm as he cuts them off one-by-one until you've got a dead dragon. Though it's gotta be said that the Hydra has the last laugh. 2800 year old spoiler: Heracles gets poisoned by the Hydra's venom a bit later down the road.

I'm giving the Hydra a B+. At base it's a big serpent with a lot of heads, which isn't all that interesting visually. The Hydra has a ton of cool abilities though, so that puts it up above average. That's all this time around! Thoughts and opinions? Leave a comment!

Hercules and the Hydra, by Jon Singer Sargent

GREASETRAP EATS: Update

Hey all. Jon here. Just a quick update. Greasetrap isn't dead, he just hasn't gone anywhere interesting lately. He's also being very, very lazy. Just laying on the floor, moaning about how hungry he is, and trying to get people to pour dry Cheerios into his mouth from the box.

I'll prod him into trying something new soon.

-J

GREASETRAP EATS: Portland Dining Month

There's so much food in this town! Even better, I found out a secret (Editors Note: not actually a secret). Once a year in the month of March, restaurants all across portland cut special deals on curated menus. Of course I had to try this out. And try it out I did. Ultimately, I ended up at three different places and it should go without saying that I had a wonderful time.

The first stop was at The Waiting Room. Sitting at the foot of Nob Hill, the eatery did that thing that's so popular here, where you turn an old house into a restaurant. It was classy, though. The courses consisted of appetizer, entree, and dessert, picked from two choices. I just had a double order and tried it all. The appetizers were hush puppies and a kind of cajun shrimp, both very flavorful, though the shrimp had an odd, not exactly unpleasant aftertaste. The entrees were both amazing; pan fried catfish and dark chicken battered and fried in an utterly lovely buttery breading that was just light, and just crunchy enough between your jaws. Dessert was a butterscotch blondie cup and a flourless chocolate cake. The cake was pure decadence. I would give every coin I ever earned to taste it again (Editors Note: no, you wouldn't).

My second great meal of the month was at Departure. At the top of the Nines Hotel right off Pioneer Courthouse Square, it was glitzy. I have to admit I didn't feel quite like I belonged--it was a little bit of Las Vegas or Los Angeles right in the heart of downtown, all gleaming neon and people trying to take my coat. Which, seriously, I get that you're trying to be polite but I only molt once a year and it doesn't happen on command.

Just to make the most of it, I ordered a little extra from the normal menu. That meant I ended up trying dim sum inspired "short rib bun," along with a carrot salad, a shrimp lemongrass salad, yellow curry, and roasted pacific snapper. Dessert was a lemon bar and a chocolate ganache cake. Now, I'm all for experimentation, and this "fusion" thing I keep hearing about locally has a LOT of potential. But that short rib bun was nothing like a pork bao bun! I mean, sure, it was extremely tasty and all, but the dough wasn't even contiguous! Between that and the general air of pretension, my opinion wasn't doing well. But the view was admittedly amazing. Being up that high had to be what flying feels like. Also the snapper was AMAZING. Just, so buttery soft that it melted on your tongue. And the fermented chili/lime spices gave it all a wonderful zing.

Last on my journey was Kachka. A russian-themed eatery, the food was very different, and very excellent. This time I ordered the monthly special menu, and just a bunch of stuff off the plain menu to give it a try. There was a salad done in russian style, but using broccoli and midwestern-style veggies. Not bad. Then came the farmer's cheese dumplings (Editor's Note: Tvorog Vareniki) which were quite delicious. The main course was a braised shortrib with carrots, served kind of like a pot roast stew. But better than that by far was the special of the day, a beef brisket rubbed with Georgian spices and served with homemade flatbread. It was wonderful. Tender and juicy and bursting with flavor. I think I swallowed a fang, I ate it so quickly.

Dessert was weird. A kind of soda float with grapefruit ice cream, and cookies that tasted like Ferrero Roche. The float didn't agree with me (Editor's Note: He still ate/drank all of it). Also, I had a flight of vodka, because it was appropriate. It burned on the way down and made the walls wobbly, which was a strange thing for a drink to do.

All in all? An excellent adventure. I'm gonna do it again next year. And all three spots on this list are worth visiting. Five out of five fangs for Portland Dining Month.

GREASETRAP EATS: Dim Sum at Wong's King Seafood

I have found the world's perfect food.

Salty, sweet, savory, crispy, chewy. Individually? Each of these things is to be prized. But it's rare for them to come together in some wonderful whole. Yet it happens! Every weekend at Wong's King Seafood from 10:00 am until 3:00 pm.

I don't speak Cantonese, so I'm not sure what Dim Sum means. The hack who runs this site tells me that it very roughly translates to "light snack," I guess? I don't know about that part, because I certainly wasn't going to stop at a snack of one or two plates alone. You sit in a big open lounge with a lot of other people while waitresses push little carts around, each stacked high with plates and places of deliciousness, all of it is washed down with copious amounts of Oolong tea.

There were so many tasty things, but a few in particular stood out. The first was the Cantonese pork belly. Cubed, each pieces was layered like succulent geological strata: fat, tenderest meat, and a crown of crispy skin. The texture was soft, juicy, and just a little bit crispy all at once. I almost swallowed them whole, but then I remembered that I had to do this write-up.

Next were the Siu Mai. These were even tastier than the pork, amazingly. Each was a meatball-sized piece of pork and shrimp all rolled together, wrapped in an egg noodle and steamed. They were amazing. Succulent & juicy with a seafood twist to them, given further tang by generous amounts of salty soy sauce.

Then there were the bao. Calling them meat buns (steamed and baked) is an injustice. The meat filling? Excellent. The bread surrounding it? Also excellent. Together? Oh clipped coins and an empty pruse, they were so good! I ate until I felt sick and then kept right on going.

There are other places to get Dim Sum, I hear. I'm going to try them all. But I will definitely be going back to Wong's King Seafood.

GREASETRAP EATS: Le Chon

Have you ever been disappointed by disappointment?

I WANTED to like this place. I still kind of do, actually. It's just . . . I was a little let down by the sandwich. Maybe I'm just being picky, after the heavenly perfection of the last entry.   

Le Chon is down off the Portland waterfront in the downtown area. The venue is nice! Very much a modern bistro. And they didn't blink twice at a dragon walking in out of the rain.

For an appetizer I had gaucho bread, with bonfire salt and a chimichurri dipping sauce. It was good! The bread was toasted on the outside, but soft and buttery on the inside. It paired perfectly with the chimichurry for a spicy, limey mouthful tinged with cilantro. Yum.

The sandwich . . . *sigh*. Argentinean steak with provolone, peppers, oninos, chimichurri all on a ciabatta roll. Served with a side of french fries seasoned with salt, pepper, and either a chili or paprika seasoning.

Everything was good! Don't get me wrong. And the individual pieces of the sandwich were pretty great. The steak was juicy while still retaining a lot of its original flavor. The peppers and onions were distinct and fire-roasted. The chimichurry was, again, pretty awesome. But they all failed to come together as a whole. It was just a mouthful of stuff. Again, pretty good! But oh, what could have been.

Three and a half fangs out of five. And a regret for a future that never was.

GREASETRAP EATS: Guero Carnitas Tortas (& Sik'il Pak)

I've felt the sun rise on cold mornings. I've watched boisterous kittens at play. None of it matches the majesty and peace of the carnitas torta from Guero. It was life-affirming. It was harmony between two pieces of bread.

The Sik'il Pak was just okay.

I'm still in downtown PDX for, uh, reasons (there's a lot of food here). This time I went go Guero, which I guess used to be another food cart. Now they're a restaurant, which is kind of the classic success story. The space was clean and the decor was oh I don't care this Carnitas Torta sandwich was amazing.

The telera bread was soft and pillowy but toasted on the inside, great for wrapping your claws around without getting them greasy. It was the perfect container for what lay within. The pork was mouth-watering, but just a savory baseline for the other ingredients to play against. Crispy cabbage and pickled onion kept things cool and fresh, cleansing the palate as you ate. Between the veggies and the meat played a symphony of chili lime aioli, cilantro, and creamy avocado. Everything came together to be more than the sum of its zesty individual parts. I can only hope that I too achieve the level of perfection and majesty displayed by this sandwich, some day. The world is a better place for having it.

The Sik'il Pak was a kind of cold pumpkin seed dip. It was better with the jicama than the tortilla shell chip it came with.

But the sandwich. Oh, the sandwich! Five out of five fangs, and no regrets. I'll be coming back.

An amazing sandwich.

Greasetrap Eats: Poutine, Potato Champion

Oh! Hello again. It's, uh, me. Greasetrap.

This time I made it downtown. Even though there were just so MANY places to eat along the way. Places with hamburgers, sandwiches, soups, cakes, steaks, shakes, and noodles.

*drools*

Anyway. Today I went to Potato Champion, nestled alongside a couple of carts in a little lot called "Cartopia." I guess this is a thing, with people selling food out of not-so-mobile wagons? The project has my complete and total approval.

The place was pretty neat. There was even seating beside open flmes! My brother is the arsonist of the family, but who doesn't love open flames? Toads. That's who. Nasty, slimy, GREEDY toads. Ugh! Just thinking of them almost ruins my appetite.

Almost.

Potatoe Champion has many things to eat, so long as its made out of french fries in a box with stuff on top. I ordered the poutine with veggie gravy. After an eternity (Ok, not really. But I swear, when you're hungry time itself slows down! I'm sure of this) my meal arrived and I went to work.

The little clamshell box was chock-full of hearty pub fries, cheese curds, and a tangy gravy. The fries were OK, but obviously just structural support for the other stuff. Not too hard, not too soft. The cheese curds were a little melty, but still firm, adding a nice creaminess in places where they'd adhered the hot fries. The standout part of the meal, though? The gravy. It was tangy and goopy and sunk in between the both the curds and the fries, bringing the whole thing together into more than just cheesy fries.

*licks chops*

Yum.

I don't know if potatoes need a champion, but this cart is certainly giving it a try. And there was open-flame seating! Three and a half fangs out of five.

Greasetrap Eats: Arby's Venison Sandwich

Hi everyone!

*look around nervously*

I'm Greasetrap. I'm, uh, a dragon. Bigger than a dog, but smaller than a horse. Not that I'm like either of those things. I'd probably taste better than a horse. I mean, I'd have to, right? Nasty, terrible things.

Where was I? Food. Right.

I was on my way to the food cart pods in downtown PDX when something caught my eye. There are a LOT of restaurants in a city, so this isn't entirely unexpected. Going inside, I saw something tasty and just had to have it. 

The Arby's Venison Sandwich was pretty much exactly that: a cut of venison steak on a bun. I guess the meat was cooked somehow special? Crispy onion things topped it, and it was slathered with a juniper berry steak sauce.

The meat was peppery and tangy, probably the spices and sauce. There was a bit of gamey-ness to it, but it wasn't bad. The bun wasn't greasy like when some places brush it with oil or butter. It wasn't over-thick, either. Those little onion straws added a nice crunch to the texture, and a bit of carnival-onion-ring taste to everything.

The root beer that came with the meal was root beer. Nothing worth writing home to the nest about.

Overall? As Father would say, it earns a rating of "acceptable." I'd eat this again. Three out of five fangs. I guess it was a short-term deal, or something? So I can't go back and have it whenever I want.

. . . 

I want this sandwich even more, now.

Greasetrap. 

Blog, Resurrected.

[Jon Burgess]: I'm a terrible blogger. No, really. The post before this one was about Worldcon back in 2015. Before that? I changed this website to a static page instead of a wordpress blog, because I wasn't ever updating the thing. 

[Jon Burgess]: Well. I'm hoping to try and change that. So! There'll be some new content here soon. Hopefully. I live in PDX, near a lot of great eating. Which is a perfect opportunity. I'll be starting up a food review series at this blog, probably called "Greasetrap's Gastronomy."

[Greasetrap]: That is a terrible name.

[Jon Burgess]: It's not bad. Should I have called it "Greasetrap Eats?"

[Greasetrap]: That doesn't work either. They're not all good!

[Jon Burgess]: But you still devour it all anyway, don't you?

[Greasetrap]: *flattens ears*

[Greasetrap]: Maybe.

[Jon Burgess]: That's what I thought. Now be quiet. As I was saying, I'll be starting up a food blog by Greasetrap here, one of the charachters of my current in-progress work (which you can start reading for free by signing up to my newsletter). At any rate, the first post should be up sometime in the next two weeks. 

On Worldcon

Communities are fascinating. Wherever people exist you'll find them gathered together, grouped by cooperation, mutual interests, or simple survival.

These days, you can have communities without the people involved even needing to be present. The internet is a tool that lets people from all over the world interact through forums, email, and social media. And like anywhere else, really,  these interactions will sometimes be unpleasant.

It's all over and done with now, but for the last year or so there's been a lot of online drama about science fiction and fantasy. Specifically, about an annual award convention award called the Hugo. I won't go into the full details of it all, but Wired has what I feel is a pretty decent summary up here, and even better, author Eric Flint has been keeping notes of the whole affair here. The basic jist, is that two online groups (calling themselves the Sad Puppies and the Rabid Puppies) felt that Worldcon's Hugo awards were only being awarded to people of a more liberal attitude by a conspiracy that didn't actually exist. That Worldcon had evolved into an elitist event running on cronyism and exclusivity.

So, I attended this year's convention. Just under a month ago. Partially because the con was being held in my own backyard, and partially because of the chance for delicious schadenfreude.

And when I arrived in Spokane, Washington this last august, I noticed something interesting. One; everything seemed to be on fire. Literally. Two; that the elitist Worldcon that everyone was worried about didn't seem to exist. I had many pleasant interactions out of the blue with con-goers both new and old.

Worldcon is a community. Without a permanent home or even permanent members, it still attracts a group of people solely united by a shared love of science fiction and fantasy and all manner of geekery. They get together once a year, drink and attend panels, celebrate what they believe are the most important efforts over the last year, and then disperse.

At the end of the day, it struck me that the Sad Puppes had spent so much time looking for a community which didn't even exist, that they missed the one right in front of them, one that anyone can join, and that's been going strong since 1939.

(Note: I thought about not posting this, but well, I was there, the event happened, and a large number of people were involved. Everything's over and done with now, and I've already moved on.) 

Carnivore, Interrupted

There are two subjects that I've never quite gotten along with; fashion and dieting. The former I've waged war against for as far back as I can remember. It's a conflict born out of mutual mistrust and misunderstanding. I mean, the shoes I have right now are perfectly comfortable, and I like Hawaiian shirts. Who cares if its November outside?

I'm more cognizant of my difficulties with dieting, however. They come from the awareness that I simply don't have that rocklike discipline needed to stay on track with a diet after I've hit whatever (probably arbitrary) goals I would set for myself. I see my potential future played out by other people, their weight oscillating as they try Paleo, Adkins, and everything else in a desperate attempt to keep off the pounds.

Also, I am very fond of food.

All of that aside, I am a curious person. I'm (mostly) willing to give something a go, especially in a culinary sense. So I decided to try being vegetarian for a month. Now this isn't something I did lightly, but it is summer, I need to blog more, and I'm feeling the urge to try new things. Also, I'm slowly turning into a seriously fat bastard, so losing a few pounds wouldn't have been an unwelcome development.

The rule I set for myself was simple: don't eat meat. That's it. I wasn't going vegan, and I didn't end up changing my diet any more radically than I needed to. Eggs were fine, and so was dairy (that I'm not fond of either is a secondary consideration). There are plenty of people who could point out the all the problems for my little plan, or why it wasn't a good idea. But at the end of the day, it proved important not to over-think the whole project, or it would have died off entirely.

As I write this, I'm at the end of my little experiment. I went one month, successfully avoiding any kind of meat or meat-based products like chicken broth. Huzzah! I'd planned to write this post as a week-to-week in-process kind of thing, but I'd gotten distracted by the post-production stuff for my last Kickstarter (which always takes precedence). Also, if you can't tell, I'm really bad at blogging.

So what happened?

Well, I learned a few things. The most important was that just because you stop eating meat, doesn't mean you aren't eating garbage. I didn't lose a single goddamned pound. That was an unwelcome lesson. Want to know what's largely available to eat once you stop eating meat-based protein? Carbohydrates. They're EVERYWHERE.

Secondly, that bean patties are terrible. Just awful.

Third, that non-meat, non-soy, non-tofu Chik'N brand “chicken nuggets” don't taste half bad. They're pretty much like any kind of bake-'em-in-the-oven nugget you'd get in the frozen foods aisle of the grocery store. Which is to say, salted breading and ketchup. The texture was fine. A corollary; Portobello Mushrooms as a hamburger replacement are FREAKING AMAZING. Seriously. So good. A shout out to Aimee Stewart for the suggestion.

Fourth, there's a lot of things that you can put in Ramen. But at the end of the day, it's still Ramen.

Fifth lesson; It's super-easy to be vegetarian in Portland, Oregon. In the surrounding suburbs like Beaverton and Vancouver? Not so much. Kind of rather difficult, actually. Downtown, it seems like every restaurant has a vegetarian option, and there are whole food carts dedicated to the concept (the Whole Bowl is especially tasty, and I heartily recommend it).

Sixth and most important of all: The enemy of good eating is time.

This is something I already knew, but I'll expound a bit upon it. The old saw is that in our society you can have something quickly, cheaply, or well-made; pick any two. It's doubly true in the case of food. What SHOULD I have been doing, during this month long ordeal? That's an easy one. I should have been carefully shopping for my groceries every few days, then spending the time necessary to cook them up in the evenings while also preparing my lunches going forward. It isn't rocket science.

But that's easy to say when you're not getting up at ungodly hours and home again after nightfall. When you don't have kids or a (giant) pet that needs attention and food and cleaning. When you don't have important projects to tend to, or all those little things demanding your attention each day so that your life doesn't grind to a halt.

So you do what you can, or you compromise and get something cheap and easy.

Ah well. Enough pontificating. It's June now, and I'm having fried chicken.

                                                         Courtesy of one Mr. Sanders.